Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
you told grandpa to call you daddy
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
