good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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