Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
