meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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