I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
