census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Holy sore nipples Batman
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
