In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
