I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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