We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
