I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
