Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
