Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
