I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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