I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
