textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
