He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
