My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
