ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
