I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
