I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
