Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
