When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
