"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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