I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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