I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
