you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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