and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
Randomize
