I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Randomize
