11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
