i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
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Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
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you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
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