you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
