Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
