between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
