New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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