I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I wish there were birth control emojis
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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