I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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