If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
we're making bets on your personal life
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Randomize
