sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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