Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
