he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
