my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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