I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
