Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
