operation harelip BJ is a go
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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