this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
