dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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