Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
