I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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