I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
