how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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