I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
