You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
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