Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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