It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
NoShamevember. You game?
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
