Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
