I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
